Não é coragem

... é apenas inevitabilidade. 

Transportar um cadáver junto ao coração faz-nos morrer um pouco também. Se já perdemos quase tudo... então não é coragem... é um não poder deixar de ser.

Through "the gloom and the blazing"

Surprised by what I found

"you've been on my mind

'cause it's about time to see things just as they are

(...)

I was surprised by what I found"

There's only so much damage a heart can take. And so much pain one can endure.


(I can assure it only fuckin' stops when there's nothing left of you.) 

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uctrQBJSY8]

In a nutshell...

2012 não tem sido mais do que isto. 

Y.

A labyrinth without walls

There is a labyrinth 

but it has no walls

there are no exit signs

no arrows, no red lines

and there is you and me

goes without saying

Where would you go without me?

We have to make decisions

before it gets too dark

the sunset is behind us

we're facing terra incognita

it's still hard to make decisions

in a labyrinth without walls

But where would you go without me?

Make up your mind

by chance or intuition

you can't just turn around 

stand motionless and wait

I could follow you 

or you could follow me

In this labyrinth 

without it's walls

where no ways are clearly marked

we find untrodden paths

we as you and me

goes without saying

And where would you go without me?

Homage to L. (who got caught in a storm)

It's been 5 years now. The memory of that night, of that moment, remains brutal. It still...
Miss you.

Maybe not

"Listen to me, don’t walk that street
There’s always an end to it
(...)
We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We won’t have a thing
So we’ve got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

But with your mind"

Chan Marshall

I'm off

I'm off to save the world
At least I can hope

Josh T. Pearson

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9KghKIEfE]

Question to self

"What's a place like that doing in a girl like you?"

The Devastations

Things must be different from now on

I always knew what I was doing
I knew every face in the cast
Now who the hell let you in?
I thought I buried you way back, back in my past

I have waited so long
That whoever loved you is gone
So things will be different
From now on

Things will be different
From now on
Things will be different
From now on

The Devastations
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3SUy30vFi4]

Certeza desfeita?

Ou antes um coração desfeito?

Algures numa rua de Lisboa

Nota para S.

É tempo de parar quando: já não te preservas; ignoras o instinto natural de sobrevivência e te transformas numa suicida em potência; não evitas as lâminas que te rasgam a pele e as entranhas; és inconsequente no acto de acreditar; te permites uma existência enquanto desperdício vagamente humano.

Ultrapassaste os limites do razoável. Lembra-te disso sob pena de não conseguires regressar.

Enough is enough...

Resignar-me-ei. Aceitarei, por fim, a tua condição. Serei mais um ficheiro no teu arquivo morto. Partilharei a mesma sala escura com tudo o que atormenta a tua existência de estufa.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKnTjYu4c44]

Things just are

Will Oldham on Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

Keep you apart deep in my heart (...) and keep the things you forgot

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be, that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
There with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
Where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still, I'll keep them still, I'll keep them still…

Elliot Smith

How can it feel this wrong?

S.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say, 
Frozen to myself.

Beth Gibbons

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1jyL3cr60]

note to self

"não te destruas porque eu preciso de ti inteira"...

(obrigada C.)

Autopreservação

Num amanhã, que virá, desistirei (de ti). Para não enlouquecer.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cruFQGKCuJg]

"Mañana te digo que el amor / que el amor se ha ido"*

Todos os dias desejo que o esquecimento me envolva no seu manto de chuva morna.

(Este corpo exausto necessita de tréguas.)

*Lhasa de Sela

On being happy

Entrega de Y.

Autumn's child
You sweet young thing

Devendra Banhart

Fuck conscience!

Continuas a não perceber que não tens direito a pedir-me mais nada. Ou, se calhar, nem te dás conta que já não sobra nada... nem sequer a dignidade.

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar...
¡Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar! 

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
Que tú nunca mereciste...

He venido yo corriendo, olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar.

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego...

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
¡Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar!

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego

Lhasa de Sela

Soon this space will be too small

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll go outside 
To the huge hillside 
Where the wild winds blow 
And the cold stars shine 
I’ll put my foot 
On the living road 
And be carried from here 
To the heart of the world 

I’ll be strong as a ship 
And wise as a whale 
And I’ll say the three words 
That will save us all 
And I’ll say the three words 
That will save us all 

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll laugh so hard 
That the walls cave in 

Then I’ll die three times 
And be born again 
In a little box 
With a golden key 
And a flying fish 
Will set me free 

Soon this space will be too small 
All my veins and bones 
Will be burned to dust 
You can throw me into 
A black iron pot 
And my dust will tell 
What my flesh would not 

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll go outside 
And I’ll go outside 
And I’ll go outside

Lhasa de Sela

And no one knows where the night is going...

"And all go stumbling through that house 

in lonely secrecy 

Saying "Do reveal yourself" 

or "Why has thou forsaken me?"

And no one knows where the night is going...

All at once the torches flare 

The inner door flies open 

One by one they enter there 

In every style of passion

(...)

Those who dance, begin to dance 

Those who weep begin 

Those who earnestly are lost 

Are lost and lost again

And no one knows where the night is going...

One by one the guests arrive 

The guests are coming through 

The broken-hearted many 

The open-hearted few

And no one knows where the night is going..."

Leonard Cohen

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l48aOXWKx4E]

(des)ilusões

Uma mão cheia de nada é tudo o que tens para mim. 

(Já nem sequer me consegues bastar.)

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9fwsiMRVeE]

When will I turn and cut the world?

"my eyes are coral, absorbing your dreams
my heart is a record of dangerous scenes
my skin is a surface to push to extremes

but when will I turn and cut the world?"

Antony Hegarty
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9a1C1qXHfM]

Rudy foolish

"Well, a foolish day is a foolish day
In a beautiful way
(...)
Well, a Rudy day is a Rudy day
In a beautiful way"

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMQbVW4_ce4]

Há entre nós demasiado ruído. Preciso de silêncio ou de uma melodia.

S.

Minudências

S.

A vida é assim: às vezes basta um minúsculo pormenor, uma minudência ínfima, para determinar efeitos devastadores.


Mário de Carvalho, Era bom que trocássemos umas ideias sobre o assunto

Shameful p.s.

(My fingers sting
Where I feel your fingers have been
Ghostly fingers
Moving my limbs

Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you)

Unrecognizable

S.

"I tried to learn your language
But fell asleep half undressed
Unrecognizable to myself"

Polly Jean Harvey

Suits us...

"Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller organ. That's why all parents screw up all children. (...) Your parents made you screwed up by not screwing you up."

Dr. Gregory House

Note to self

"courage born of despair and impotence"
(I am just a coward)

Vic Chesnutt
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNJKL_6MwT0]

Ainda te tenho entranhado... nos músculos, nas veias, na pele. Sinto-te o sabor a cada recordação. Sinto-te o cheiro em cada pedacinho de sonho.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXLjPFqiWBs]

Talvez tu não saibas, Léah, o mérito, a graça, o poder da candura. Nesse instante foste o assombro vivo, inocentemente expresso. (Era eu que tinha a alma cheia de venenos).


José Rodrigues Miguéis, Léah e Outras Histórias 

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9txnHyxibY]

No passion, no fruit

Acima de tudo uma ausência de linguagem perceptível pelas partes.

S.

wait... just give me a minute to prepare

"You know how, like in cartoons, when the building gets hit by the wrecking ball, right before the building falls down, there's always like this moment where it's perfectly still right before it collapses? We're in that moment. The wrecking ball has already hit all of this, and this is just the moment before it all falls down."


The Future

Limp this love around

S.

"Promises, promises
I'm feeling burned
You taught me a lesson
I didn't want to learn

Why did I come here?
Please tell me again
Why did you ask me?
Don't say you forget

I long for, I long for
I long for my home
I long for a land where
No man was ever known


With no neurosis
No psychosis
No psychoanalysis
And no sadness

I'll pick up the pieces
I'll carry on somehow
Tape the broken parts together
And limp this love around

Limp this love around"

Polly Jean Harvey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVbzdQDNKkw

Show me the place for my head is bending low

S.

"Show me the place
Where you want your slave to go
Show me the place
I’ve forgotten, I don’t know
Show me the place
For my head is bending low
Show me the place
Where you want your slave to go

Show me the place
Help me roll away the stone
Show me the place
I can’t move this thing alone
Show me the place
Where the Word became a man
Show me the place
Where the suffering began


The troubles came
I saved what I could save
A thread of light
A particle a wave
But there were chains
So I hastened to behave
There were chains
So I loved you like a slave

Show me the place
Where you want your slave to go
Show me the place
I’ve forgotten, I don’t know"

Leonard Cohen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCtoVoE5Mm4

abro os olhos e estendo a mão e o corpo para fora do sono, ergo-me por dentro do imenso vazio.

tudo se despedaçou. o sonho, e o amor que é sempre tão breve (…) estou gasto. dei-me sempre mais do que podia. não há nada que me possam roubar, sou um homem espoliado de todos os bens, de todas as doenças, de todas as emoções. (…) sou um alfabeto e não sei se terei tempo para me decifrar.

Al Berto, O Medo (3)

O desencontro foi - ainda é - de uma violência atroz. Tenho as cicatrizes para o comprovar.

"serei sempre o que esperou que lhe abrissem a porta ao pé de uma parede sem porta"

Fernando Pessoa

Sonho

S.

Sonhava para me sentir longínqua, distante até do meu cheiro. (…) sonhei tanto até o sonho me sujar. (…) Não esqueça, você é pobre. E um pobre não sonha tudo, nem sonha depressa.

Mia Couto, Meia culpa meia própria culpa, Raiz de Orvalho e Outros Poemas

Ainda não é o justo momento

morre-se nada
quando chega a vez

é só um solavanco

na estrada por onde já não vamos

morre-se tudo

quando não é o justo momento

e não é nunca

esse momento

Mia Couto, Horário do fim, Raiz de Orvalho e Outros Poemas

It’s just breath control

"It’s just a thrill," he said, "just a thrill. It’s just breath control." 

“estávamos sentados à sombra dos tamarindos. ouvíamos uma voz e não sonhávamos.
nenhum de nós sabia se o sonho, ou a morte, nos conduziria a algum porto de felicidade.

não me lembro o que aconteceu a seguir.
a noite deixava-se habitar por um silêncio escorregadio.
veio-me então ao pensamento o grande porto do sul onde aportaras e dizias ter sido feliz.
as horas começaram a cair umas sobre as outras, iguais, sem frémito, melancólicas.
quando te digo que vou de novo partir, perguntas-me: morre-se porquê?

caminhamos em direcções opostas. caminhamos sem destino pela cidade. a febre aniquila-nos.
existem Índias por descobrir, no segredo da noite dos nossos desastres.
caminhamos neste espaço de penumbras e de incertezas – onde a fala já não cintila e as palavras são de cinza.”

Al Berto, Luminoso Afogado

"Tanto tempo até encontrar o meu tom, o meu modo, uma forma que não devesse nada a ninguém, em que as vozes alheias não entrassem na minha. (...) Sei e não sei, fujo de mim, regresso, persigo-me desisto. Sou muitos. Deixei muitos pelo caminho e continuo a ser muitos. Um dia tudo isto pára. E metem um só no caixão. Fiz o que pude, com a força que tinha, e dói-me que imensos erros, patetices, asneiras. Sofri que me fartei. Algumas alegrias no meio disto, claro, alguns momentos quase perfeitos na eterna guerra civil dos meus dias. É isso que me confunde mais: porquê esta violência interior, estes excessos, esta permanente, desesperada busca? Trocava-me por qualquer um, preferia ser um bicho."

António Lobo Antunes
[http://visao.sapo.pt/uma-cronica-ou-la-o-que-e=f618972]

Grand dark feeling of emptiness

"Well I felt like I was born today
So I took it upon me to go away
To gather my thoughts and go away to
Where I could be used by somebody
(...)
And no-one I was and so I remained
Knocked-out in a hut, no mother, no name
And filled up my heart with one and the same
That grand dark feeling of emptiness
(...)
And now I am learning bit by bit
About the make and model shit
The muddy bowl I live in it
And all the mucks that tire us
And I'm afeared if I don't have
A piglet, lamb or little calve
I'll chop my humanness in half
And be as worm or virus"

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

You're a fool...

and a dreamer... my silly, wounded, heart.

S.

'Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick

S&Y

Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
'Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if
Just to see what is
I can't kick your habit
Just to fill your fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart

We will shrink and we'll be quiet as mice
And while the cat is away
Do what we want
Do what we want

There's an empty space inside my heart
Where the weeds take root
So now I'll set you free
I'll set you free

'Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if
Just to see what is
The bird lights float into my room

Thom Yorke
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfOa1a8hYP8]

Destruction of sorrow begins today

S.

Now I will say
What I needed to say
Destruction of hate
Begins today

I won't box
Nor stand and get slugged
Nor have shallow breath
Nor lay and be dropped

I stand up to evil
Body and soul



Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnLPLyUCXoo

41

O melhor exemplo que eu poderia ter no mundo começou, e dura, há 41 anos. Parabéns!

"And the older that we get
We know that nothing else for us is possible"

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wh1G3cnNUps]

"Time and distance disappear
I cannot explain this, dear no,
I will not even try"

Nick Cave
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ny4izkgnX_k]