An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey

"Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did
I got what I paid for now
See ya tomorrow, hey Frank can I borrow
a couple of bucks from you, to go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley
and I'm tired of all these soldiers here
no one speaks English, and everything's broken
and my Stacys are soaking wet
to go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

now the dogs are barking
and the taxi cabs parking
a lot they can do for me
I begged you to stab me
you tore my shirt open
and I'm down on my knees tonight
Old Bushmills I staggered,
you buried the dagger in
your silhouette window light to go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

now I've lost my St. Christopher
now that I've kissed her and the
one-armed bandit knows, and the
maverick Chinaman, and the cold-blooded signs
and the girls down by the strip tease shows go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

no I don't want your sympathy
the fugitives say that the streets aren't for dreaming now
manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories
They want a piece of the action anyhow go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

and you can ask any sailor
and the keys from the jailer
and the old men in wheelchairs know
that Matilda's the defendant, she killed about a hundred
and she follows wherever you may go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

and it's a battered old suitcase
to a hotel someplace
and a wound that will never heal
no prima donna, the perfume is on
an old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
and goodnight to the street sweepers
the night watchman flame keepers
and goodnight Matilda, too"

Tom Waits

"Hell above and heaven below"*

S.

[keeping me company]

Reminder

S.

Note to self

"can't you see that we have come so far already?
light shines through the cracks and deepest, darkest, clouds
(...)
can't you hear that sound you're making?
oh darling Rosa
amputees they all agree that they would like their arms and legs back
oh Rosa
can't you feel your heart beating?"

The Devastations
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLx8Giba3mU]

Mature mild-mannered catastrophes

"But they don't use the word
once dropped it might break

They do not say that they have loved
for who can say
We were killed yesterday"

Blixa Bargeld
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ulbK3tUMNg]

Não encontro palavras que te teçam as asas

"queria soltar-te na forma de poema
mas não encontro palavras que te teçam as asas
que não se amedrontem perante a delicadeza melódica do teu sorriso
que se ergam sob o império dos teus olhos
e não se façam sombra.

mas não tenho mãos para te abraçar, ainda que fabulosamente,
– e todas as palavras são titanicamente indignas.

leio, ávido, eternidades na tua voz,
madrugadas quiméricas e legiões de anjos guardando-te,
florestas de opalas vertendo

sigo os teus passos fingindo não te adorar os gestos
as doçuras discretas
os jardins moleculares dançando-te nos dedos

sei que habitas num éden que não alcanço
mas não me sei impedir de te passar à porta."

Lima, o orvalho da tua voz'

p.s. - obrigada pelas palavras, pelas melodias, e por tudo o resto.

"I remember a faraway laugh, a sweet caress"

"I remember not knowing what to say
And how calm you had remained
(...)
Please don't let what was get in the way of what's next
Don't forget
That what's to come hasn't come yet"

Devendra Banhart

"Hiding under the covers
With no one else to blame
You couldn't help out your own neighbour
You couldn't tell it to his face
You were fucked up by the blame

You cower in the corner
Confide in your father
Let it out and say
Let it pass away
(...)
Let it break your day
Let it out and say

Wait there
Pull yourself out of this state dear
Acknowledge you were a fake here
From there on you might just grow"

Matt Corby
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W9ewqSjkKk]

Ship of woes

S.&Y.

It takes awhile
To settle down
My ship of hopes
Wait 'til the past leaks out

It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break

Matt Berninger






[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=330UqSBEXaU]

Cimentando o desespero

"Tenho um copo meio cheio de derrota na secretária, junto das folhas soltas onde guardo pensamentos como quem cultiva em solo estéril mas não perde a esperança. Folheio abrasivamente o catálogo de loucuras: procuro um produto económico, mas eficaz; os caules de papoila que não tenho fumado tardam em cimentar o desespero. Quando olho, olho pela janela que não tenho, mas vejo sempre o outro eu rindo-se e perseguindo os fantasmas de lama das enxurradas estivais – parece-me feliz. Pergunto-me se saberá o que é ser a angústia travestida de vertigem e amordaçada observando as auroras sempre tão perfeitas nos olhos dos outros. Entretanto, as páginas vão-me marcando desinteressadamente os dedos. Fecho a janela para a luz não me julgar."

Lima, 'o orvalho da tua voz'

reconhecerei o volume da alma
agarrada com unhas e dentes às
réstias do corpo


valter hugo mãe, estou escondido na cor amarga do fim da tarde

Where have you gone?

... are you in there?

Y.

"Isto, aparentemente, não significa nada e, no entanto, faz-nos vibrar como cordas."*

 

*António Lobo Antunes

It really proves nothing

"Just listen to me breathe
but that proves nothing

In the middle of my circles
but their centre I am not

motionless
waiting
waiting"

Blixa Bargeld

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BBmN6JtG58]

ich hab’ dich unglücklich erwischt

B.

bleib
bleib
bleib
bleib
es fehlen stäbe, stäbe fehlen
die zwischenräume sind gross genug
dein schnelles herz wenn ich dich halte
ich hab’ dich unglücklich erwischt
bleib
bleib
bleib
bleib
ich kann dich nicht
am fliegen hindern
aber selbst zwei kontinente weiter
noch singen hören
bleib
bleib
bleib

Blixa Bargeld
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEPJ3It_lTQ]
[stay
stay
stay
stay
bars are missing, missing bars
the gaps between are big enough
your rapid heart when I hold you
I caught you in a bad way
stay
stay
stay
I cannot
stop you flying
but even two continents away
can still hear you singing
stay
stay
stay
stay]

"para adultos de pé e olhos abertos"

"Se há pessoas que olham para o que construí como difícil de entender é porque não compreendem a complexidade da vida, e isso não é culpa minha, é defeito delas. (...) O medo de saber apavora-nos. A ideia de tomar consciência arrepia-nos. Recusamos a possibilidade de viver no interior de nós mesmos. O facto de um livro contar uma história apazigua o nosso lado infantil. Não serve de nada salvo para nos tranquilizar. E continuamos por fora do que nos inquieta, nos assusta, nos alerta (...) Fiz livros para adultos de pé e olhos abertos. (...) Não é possível falar racionalmente do que não é racional, explicar o que se passa antes das palavras, desarticular o que é feito de uma peça apenas e a vida do autor só para ele mesmo e, na melhor das hipóteses, para mais meia dúzia de criaturas, poderá ter interesse. A arte, mistério impenetrável, não cabe na razão lógica e qualquer tentativa de a desmontar será sempre inútil. (...) Permanecerá para sempre secreta e insolúvel. Pode bordar-se em torno mas fora da muralha, nada tem que ver com a inteligência, a razão, o raciocínio dedutivo: existe em si mesma, por si mesma e para si mesma, apenas permeável ao inconsciente e, no entanto, ao tocar-nos no inconsciente muda a nossa percepção do mundo e de nós mesmos em consequência de um mecanismo que nos escapa. (...)

Pelo teu amor dói-me o ar

o coração e o chapéu.

Isto, aparentemente, não significa nada e, no entanto, faz-nos vibrar como cordas."

António Lobo Antunes, Adeus, Visão nº 1024, 18/10/2012

Heart undone

"Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
(...)
He'll never return it"

Björk

"He offers
A handshake
Crooked
Five fingers
They form a pattern
Yet to be matched
(...)
This time
I'm gonna keep me all to myself
'She loves him, she loves him'
And he makes me want to hand myself over"

Björk
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqF8_UcUQdQ]

A tempestade aparece mesmo num dia azul

Pensava que já não doía mais, que não era possível que pudesse doer mais. Infelizmente, esqueci-me do bocadinho de vidro que continua enterrado junto às terminações nervosas ainda activas.

Parece que já não há mais nada para chorar - porque chorar - e isso não impede as lágrimas de cair. As putas insistem em não secar, ao contrário do resto de mim.

"What is normally called religion what I would tend to call music (...) I think records and music are more appropriate and more respectful of the human soul than the churches are. And more respectful of the needs of humans to communicate with the aspects of themselves that are neglected by language. I don't think people think about God so much as they think about themselves and how they're going to get through life."

Will Oldham

What has not disappeared in the storm...

Y&B

S&B

Não é coragem

... é apenas inevitabilidade. 

Transportar um cadáver junto ao coração faz-nos morrer um pouco também. Se já perdemos quase tudo... então não é coragem... é um não poder deixar de ser.

Through "the gloom and the blazing"

Surprised by what I found

"you've been on my mind

'cause it's about time to see things just as they are

(...)

I was surprised by what I found"

There's only so much damage a heart can take. And so much pain one can endure.


(I can assure it only fuckin' stops when there's nothing left of you.) 

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uctrQBJSY8]

In a nutshell...

2012 não tem sido mais do que isto. 

Y.

A labyrinth without walls

There is a labyrinth 

but it has no walls

there are no exit signs

no arrows, no red lines

and there is you and me

goes without saying

Where would you go without me?

We have to make decisions

before it gets too dark

the sunset is behind us

we're facing terra incognita

it's still hard to make decisions

in a labyrinth without walls

But where would you go without me?

Make up your mind

by chance or intuition

you can't just turn around 

stand motionless and wait

I could follow you 

or you could follow me

In this labyrinth 

without it's walls

where no ways are clearly marked

we find untrodden paths

we as you and me

goes without saying

And where would you go without me?

Homage to L. (who got caught in a storm)

It's been 5 years now. The memory of that night, of that moment, remains brutal. It still...
Miss you.

Maybe not

"Listen to me, don’t walk that street
There’s always an end to it
(...)
We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We won’t have a thing
So we’ve got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

But with your mind"

Chan Marshall

I'm off

I'm off to save the world
At least I can hope

Josh T. Pearson

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9KghKIEfE]

Question to self

"What's a place like that doing in a girl like you?"

The Devastations

Things must be different from now on

I always knew what I was doing
I knew every face in the cast
Now who the hell let you in?
I thought I buried you way back, back in my past

I have waited so long
That whoever loved you is gone
So things will be different
From now on

Things will be different
From now on
Things will be different
From now on

The Devastations
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3SUy30vFi4]

Certeza desfeita?

Ou antes um coração desfeito?

Algures numa rua de Lisboa

Nota para S.

É tempo de parar quando: já não te preservas; ignoras o instinto natural de sobrevivência e te transformas numa suicida em potência; não evitas as lâminas que te rasgam a pele e as entranhas; és inconsequente no acto de acreditar; te permites uma existência enquanto desperdício vagamente humano.

Ultrapassaste os limites do razoável. Lembra-te disso sob pena de não conseguires regressar.

Enough is enough...

Resignar-me-ei. Aceitarei, por fim, a tua condição. Serei mais um ficheiro no teu arquivo morto. Partilharei a mesma sala escura com tudo o que atormenta a tua existência de estufa.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKnTjYu4c44]

Things just are

Will Oldham on Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

Keep you apart deep in my heart (...) and keep the things you forgot

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be, that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
There with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
Where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still, I'll keep them still, I'll keep them still…

Elliot Smith

How can it feel this wrong?

S.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say, 
Frozen to myself.

Beth Gibbons

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1jyL3cr60]

note to self

"não te destruas porque eu preciso de ti inteira"...

(obrigada C.)

Autopreservação

Num amanhã, que virá, desistirei (de ti). Para não enlouquecer.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cruFQGKCuJg]

"Mañana te digo que el amor / que el amor se ha ido"*

Todos os dias desejo que o esquecimento me envolva no seu manto de chuva morna.

(Este corpo exausto necessita de tréguas.)

*Lhasa de Sela

On being happy

Entrega de Y.

Autumn's child
You sweet young thing

Devendra Banhart

Fuck conscience!

Continuas a não perceber que não tens direito a pedir-me mais nada. Ou, se calhar, nem te dás conta que já não sobra nada... nem sequer a dignidade.

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar...
¡Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar! 

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
Que tú nunca mereciste...

He venido yo corriendo, olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar.

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego...

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
¡Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar!

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego

Lhasa de Sela

Soon this space will be too small

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll go outside 
To the huge hillside 
Where the wild winds blow 
And the cold stars shine 
I’ll put my foot 
On the living road 
And be carried from here 
To the heart of the world 

I’ll be strong as a ship 
And wise as a whale 
And I’ll say the three words 
That will save us all 
And I’ll say the three words 
That will save us all 

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll laugh so hard 
That the walls cave in 

Then I’ll die three times 
And be born again 
In a little box 
With a golden key 
And a flying fish 
Will set me free 

Soon this space will be too small 
All my veins and bones 
Will be burned to dust 
You can throw me into 
A black iron pot 
And my dust will tell 
What my flesh would not 

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll go outside 
And I’ll go outside 
And I’ll go outside

Lhasa de Sela

And no one knows where the night is going...

"And all go stumbling through that house 

in lonely secrecy 

Saying "Do reveal yourself" 

or "Why has thou forsaken me?"

And no one knows where the night is going...

All at once the torches flare 

The inner door flies open 

One by one they enter there 

In every style of passion

(...)

Those who dance, begin to dance 

Those who weep begin 

Those who earnestly are lost 

Are lost and lost again

And no one knows where the night is going...

One by one the guests arrive 

The guests are coming through 

The broken-hearted many 

The open-hearted few

And no one knows where the night is going..."

Leonard Cohen

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l48aOXWKx4E]

(des)ilusões

Uma mão cheia de nada é tudo o que tens para mim. 

(Já nem sequer me consegues bastar.)

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9fwsiMRVeE]

When will I turn and cut the world?

"my eyes are coral, absorbing your dreams
my heart is a record of dangerous scenes
my skin is a surface to push to extremes

but when will I turn and cut the world?"

Antony Hegarty
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9a1C1qXHfM]

Rudy foolish

"Well, a foolish day is a foolish day
In a beautiful way
(...)
Well, a Rudy day is a Rudy day
In a beautiful way"

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMQbVW4_ce4]

Há entre nós demasiado ruído. Preciso de silêncio ou de uma melodia.

S.

Minudências

S.

A vida é assim: às vezes basta um minúsculo pormenor, uma minudência ínfima, para determinar efeitos devastadores.


Mário de Carvalho, Era bom que trocássemos umas ideias sobre o assunto

Shameful p.s.

(My fingers sting
Where I feel your fingers have been
Ghostly fingers
Moving my limbs

Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you)

Unrecognizable

S.

"I tried to learn your language
But fell asleep half undressed
Unrecognizable to myself"

Polly Jean Harvey

Suits us...

"Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller organ. That's why all parents screw up all children. (...) Your parents made you screwed up by not screwing you up."

Dr. Gregory House