did nothing to challenge or resist...

will you eye me with a longing?

It is longing that I feel
To be missed for, to be real

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

(no one can hurt you)

and now for something completely different...

Y.

These Days

There were nights and mornings
When you come to me
Found your way into my bones, my joints
Into my veins
Like an animal you coiled your darkness around me
You spelled your name in charcoal
All over my body

Ane Brun

Note to self

I know this life seems never-ending
But you’ve got nothin’ but time
And it ain’t got nothin’ on you

Chan Marshall
[Cat Power & Iggy Pop]

Barely...

S. 

(Foi com grande surpresa que constatei que o meu corpo sobreviveu a este ano infernal. Saiu há pouco dos cuidados intensivos, mas ainda não é possível determinar os danos permanentes.)

Quando chegará?

Vai chegar o dia em que eu não escreverei mais sobre ti, mas amanhã não é ainda a véspera desse dia. 

Pedro Mexia (a-leiseca)


[Ouvi-o tocar, vi o teu nome e afastei-me. Não quero ouvir a tua voz, quero manter-te morto... mas desde esse momento que tenho um nó na garganta e o coração a bater descompassado. Anseio pela véspera de tal dia.]

turn out the lights

Dos dias mais negros

Anjos de asas partidas ou arrancadas brutalmente. Despedaçados, já não nos guardam os sonhos. Cegos como nós, sangram ácido em vez de esperança. Vazios de amanhã.

31/03/2012

Dos dias mais negros

da colecção de lâminas:

- "quando eu penso no que quero para o futuro tu não estás incluída";
- "o caminho que decidi percorrer é o do bem estar";
- "a minha vontade não é estar contigo";
- "não é terapêutico nem para mim nem para ti";
- "a verdade acima de tudo".

Jan-Abr. 2012

Afinal é tão fácil...

S.

Letting go

S.

Like a far flung star
There you are
Littlest than before
As you slip from my fingertips
Left me here on the burning shore

Searched and searched
Ah, you were worth so much
More than you ever thought you were
Everything you believe I still carry with me
Broken down on the burning shore

And it must have felt much easier
To have the stars along your side
And it must have felt much easier
To have the world along your side



A Daddy's girl
I see you curl
And sleeping on the floor
Maybe you dream a little dream of me
Down here on the burning shore

Yeah, there you are
Attached to a star
Beyond the point of no return
Maybe you ought to spare a thought
For those of us down here who never learn

And it must have felt much easier
To have the world along your side
And it must have felt much easier
To have the stars along your side

Nick Cave
[Star charmer]

Dismal

I'll show you how the lilies grow
if you be still for me

The Daemon Lover - Traditional

"Wrapped in a coat with tears in your eyes?"

Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built 
Out of longing great wonders have been willed 
They're only little tears, darling, let them spill 
And lay your head upon my shoulder 
Outside my window the world has gone to war

Nick Cave

As últimas palavras foram secas, assépticas. Transportam o peso da desistência e da desilusão - não sei sequer se repararás na falta de calor, de humanidade. Foram escritas por quem não tolera nem mais um golpe numa pele cheia de cortes profundos e intermináveis.

[keeping me company]

Brittle

What you've managed is to cheapen everything I've done
and don't pretend to know what I've been through, son.
And these days grievances come through my open door,
(...)
I was once a careless lover,
now I live most undercover.

Keaton Henson
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvD4bAqj5qc]


(Thank you M.)

To C.

Does he know when you're sad?
You don't like to be touched,
Let alone kissed.

Does he know where your lips begin?

Do you know who you are?
Do you laugh, just to know
what I lack?

Do you know your lip shakes
when you're mad?
And do you notice when you're sad?

You don't like to be touched,
Let alone kissed.

Does his love make your head spin?

Keaton Henson

“os eucaliptos dos anos destroem tudo em torno de nós. Sobram cinzas, raízes, sombras, restos de pedras calcinadas, vozes ao rés da erva à procura da boca onde nasceram, a pedir que as escutemos. O que se ganha em troca? Uma cor diferente no silêncio, aquilo a que chamamos sabedoria e não é mais que uma tristeza resignada”

António Lobo Antunes, Visão, 2010

[keeping me company]

...

Não passo sequer no quarteirão do cemitério. Ainda não descobri como se faz o luto de um vivo. Só lhe consegui esquecer a voz... mas não o cheiro, a pele, as palavras e, sobretudo, o calor do abraço. Temo encontrá-lo a cada esquina e... perceber que não morreu ainda.

[keeping me company]

“É uma espécie de fascismo emocional: estou a limpar a zona com napalm.”

Pedro Mexia

"please let me start again"

I asked my father,
I said, "Father change my name."
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame. 
(...)
He said, "I locked you in this body,
I meant it as a kind of trial."
(...)
"Then let me start again," I cried,
"please let me start again,
I want a face that's fair this time,
I want a spirit that is calm." 

Leonard Cohen

"Your pain is no credential here, it's just the shadow of my wound"

I stepped into an avalanche, 
it covered up my soul;
when I am not this hunchback that you see, 
I sleep beneath the golden hill. 
You who wish to conquer pain, 
you must learn, learn to serve me well. 
You strike my side by accident 
as you go down for your gold. 
The cripple here that you clothe and feed 
is neither starved nor cold; 
he does not ask for your company, 
not at the centre, the centre of the world. 

When I am on a pedestal, 
you did not raise me there. 
Your laws do not compel me 
to kneel grotesque and bare. 
I myself am the pedestal 
for this ugly hump at which you stare. 

You who wish to conquer pain, 
you must learn what makes me kind; 
the crumbs of love that you offer me, 
they're the crumbs I've left behind. 
Your pain is no credential here, 
it's just the shadow, of my wound. 

I have begun to long for you, 
I who have no greed; 
I have begun to ask for you, 
I who have no need. 
You say you've gone away from me, 
but I can feel you when you breathe. 

Do not dress in those rags for me, 
I know you are not poor; 
you don't love me quite so fiercely now 
when you know that you are not sure, 
it is your world, beloved, 
it is your flesh that I wear.


Leonard Cohen

(Cover by Nick Cave: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daNSyhVEvfM)

Esta minha inclinação para o inútil, para o que já está perdido à partida...

Shallow breathing

Something is creeping up. Lately, it has cuddled next to the heart and lungs forcing me to a shallow breathing.  
(I guess what's left unsaid haunts you down like a black, raging, dog.)

Bruises and scars

B. 07

"I have so many bruises, I have so many scars, but you have such a smile.
Oh you have such a smile.

I can't believe I was counting the days it would take to come back if I leave.
Oh, I can't believe I was blinking and trying to read between the lines.
I can't believe I was swimming in this empty pool.
Oh, I can't believe you're my Big Bang."


Mélanie Pain
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCakOqdxUYk]

A ironia das aparências

[4 anos depois]
- "tu estás igual!!"

*Eu!, eu que não me reconheço sequer.*

Was there a time when...?

Was there a time when love had failed you
And left you no place left to turn?
And was there a time when love had cradled you
And would catch you from any fall?

It's not so serious, not so serious
Not so serious, after all

And was there a wolf that escaped from your dream
And hid behind your bedroom door?
And was there a hand that reached out and pulled you near
And would catch you from any fall?

It's not so serious, not so serious
Not so serious, after all

Mother dear
The sky is falling
Through this night
I am crawling around
I need the sound of your heart.

Tindersticks

Sakuras & Áceres

A nossa história fez-se de flores de cerejeira e áceres vermelhos. Ao contrário deles não se renovará, está irremediavelmente perdida.

We go down with the dew in the morning light

While you were searching for your Gods
I was walking through the dark
Trying to find a way
To make you stay
With me

But I'm no match for your Gods
They have something I have not
The promise of a perfect love

(...)

While you were searching for your Gods
I turned my back on us
Trying to leave you be
So you could find your way
Back to me

Azure Ray

Blues run the game

Living is a gamble, baby,
Loving is much the same,
Wherever I have played,
Wherever I thrown those dice,
Wherever I have played
The blues run the game.

Jackson C. Frank

The magnolia blooms so sweet and it fades just the same

"Oh love, I been thinking of you
With razor white teeth so sharp
Honest its true

In my blood flows sleep
And the dark heavy rain
The magnolia blooms so sweet
Only torturing me

To the stars my love
To the sea
To the wheels my love
'till they roll all over me"

Mark Lanegan

É demencial

"Errando pela baixa
Os olhos fixos num horizonte perdido
Sem uma palavra
Sem um som
(...)
Ninguém dizia nada
O silêncio
Acompanhava o olhar vazio
A dor"

Adolfo Luxúria Canibal

Não entendo se não previas os estragos, ou se és apenas insensível.

sharp razor blade as gift

(hoje o "presente" foi este... foi isto que me rasgou a pele, outra vez, e não me deixa respirar.)

What good am I if I’m like all the rest

If I just turn away, when I see how you’re dressed

If I shut myself off so I can’t hear you cry

What good am I?

What good am I if I know and don’t do

If I see and don’t say, if I look right through you

If I turn a deaf ear to the thunderin’ sky

What good am I?

What good am I while you softly weep

And I hear in my head what you say in your sleep

And I freeze in the moment like the rest who don’t try

What good am I?

What good am I then to others and me

If I’ve had every chance and yet still fail to see

If my hands are tied must I not wonder within

Who tied them and why and where must I have been?

What good am I if I say foolish things

And I laugh in the face of what sorrow brings

And I just turn my back while you silently die

What good am I?

Bob Dylan*

Push the sky away

[Acerca do novo álbum]

"Well, if I were to use that threadbare metaphor of albums being like children, then Push The Sky Away is the ghost-baby in the incubator and Warren's loops are its tiny, trembling heart-beat."

Nick Cave
http://www.nickcave.com/

Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

I forgive you wanting to be free
I realize you long to wander
And I sympathize with your roving eyes
I just can't forgive your bad manners

Lhasa de Sela

The Love Song

“The Love Song must be borne into the realm of the irrational, the absurd, the distracted, the melancholic, the obsessive and the insane, for the Love Song is the noise of love itself and love is, of course, a form of madness. Whether it be the love of God, or romantic, erotic love – these are manifestations of our need to be torn away from the rational, to take leave of our senses, so to speak. Love Songs come in many forms and are written for a host of reasons, as declarations of love or revenge, to praise or to wound or to flatter – I have written songs for all of these reasons – but ultimately the Love Song exists to fill, with language, the silence between ourselves and God, to decrease the distance between the temporal and the divine.”

Nick Cave – The secret life of the love song 

Today it's a Nick day

"Jesus said, 'Wherever two or more are gathered together, I am in their midst.' Jesus said this because wherever two or more are gathered together, there is communion, there is language, there is imagination, there is God. God is a product of a creative imagination, and God is that imagination taken flight.

As a child I believed that to use the imagination was wicked. I saw my imagination as a dark room with a large bolted door that housed all manner of shameful fantasies. I could almost hear my secret thoughts bumping and scratching behind the door, begging in whispers to be let out, to be told. Back then, I had no idea that those dark mutterings were coming from God. (...)"

Nick Cave - The flesh made Word

Question to self

De que me servirá a consolação de me ter mantido fiel a mim mesma, quando as ligaduras escondem a bela merda que sobrou?

Detachment

"A child's intelligent heart can fathom the depth of many dark places, but can it fathom the delicate moment of its own detachment?"

Henry's character

Medical care needed

Não há pontos internos ou absorvíveis que o impeçam. As cicatrizes continuam a abrir, e a mágoa vai manchando a nova pele (ainda tão frágil).

I want to be a good woman

I don't want be a bad woman
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man.
(...)
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can't see you no more.

Cat Power

(reminder for 2 dreamy and wounded hearts)

Cloudy whiskers

B.

"A minha gata preta tem, por vezes, um enigma de pêlos brancos
(...)
A minha gata lambe-nos as madrugadas ásperas do rosto"

João Paulo Cotrim, A minha gata

Note to self

"Closer, move in closer
Closer now than
Than ever before
I doubt it that you can survive
So far from your trenches and your friends
This is where competition starts and
And all that ends

I sense a lot of tension
Loose, loose
Pull out your arsenal
Dance
(...)
By now we should know the music and the steps
Oh, me, I never asked, I never set you up
A little something for me?
A little something thrown back at me?

This is the floor, these are the rules
These are the moves
This is the room in which we dance
Close the door, say you will dance

Step into this room and dance for me
Step into this room and dance for me
Come on, lady, dance for me
Come on, come on, dance for me"

Madrugada
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mz5PJSEp_M]

"Há pessoas que demoram tanto tempo a deixar-nos."

António Lobo Antunes, Visão nº 1026

(como se fosse um boicote interno à sanidade...)

"Once you hang it on the wall / You can never take it down"

"But there's one thing you can't lose
And it's that feel
You can pawn your watch and chain
But not that feel
It always comes and finds you
It will always hear you cry
I cross my wooden leg
And I swear on my glass eye
It will never leave you high and dry
Never leave you loose
It's harder to get rid of than tattoos"

Tom Waits

(reminder for C.)

"Que humilhação ter-me tornado uma criatura estendida diante de uma pessoa de pé."

António Lobo Antunes, Visão nº 1026

just a flask trapped inside a fall

Entranhada na pele:




"she feels like a stranger has come in the night and stolen her life and left her with this
and boughs break on ebony toothaches
she is just a flask trapped inside a fall
I know you need to find what you thought you left behind in a past life
I won't question why the only light that you have you give away
I know you need to find what you thought you left behind in a past life
I won't question why the only light that you have you give away
she feels like a stranger has come in the night and stolen her life and left her with this"

Man Man

Desencontro

"Nós não somos o outro. De certa maneira, o outro está nos antípodas daqui. (...) Cada palavra que dizemos aqui é simultânea a uma palavra contrária dita pelo outro lá. A língua do outro é incompreensível. Nem parece uma língua. Até estas palavras, até esta frase incompleta. Lá, neste momento, o outro está a dizer exatamente o contrário disto, com a mesma convicção."

José Luís Peixoto, O contrário de mim está a escrever o contrário destas palavras, Visão nº 1027, 08/11/2012

Tongues out!!!

B.

Y.

B. (e o tracto digestivo quase completo!)

An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey

"Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did
I got what I paid for now
See ya tomorrow, hey Frank can I borrow
a couple of bucks from you, to go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley
and I'm tired of all these soldiers here
no one speaks English, and everything's broken
and my Stacys are soaking wet
to go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

now the dogs are barking
and the taxi cabs parking
a lot they can do for me
I begged you to stab me
you tore my shirt open
and I'm down on my knees tonight
Old Bushmills I staggered,
you buried the dagger in
your silhouette window light to go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

now I've lost my St. Christopher
now that I've kissed her and the
one-armed bandit knows, and the
maverick Chinaman, and the cold-blooded signs
and the girls down by the strip tease shows go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

no I don't want your sympathy
the fugitives say that the streets aren't for dreaming now
manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories
They want a piece of the action anyhow go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

and you can ask any sailor
and the keys from the jailer
and the old men in wheelchairs know
that Matilda's the defendant, she killed about a hundred
and she follows wherever you may go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

and it's a battered old suitcase
to a hotel someplace
and a wound that will never heal
no prima donna, the perfume is on
an old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
and goodnight to the street sweepers
the night watchman flame keepers
and goodnight Matilda, too"

Tom Waits

"Hell above and heaven below"*

S.

[keeping me company]

Reminder

S.