In der Enklave meines Herzens

in der Enklave meines Herzens
in der ich mich verlier
(...)
Zwei grosse schwarze Raben
fressen die Pflaumen aus dem Baum
Ob die andre Stadt mich lieb hat ...?
(...)
Komm mich mal besuchen
ich hab’ unendlich Zeit
und der Blick der ist vom Feinsten
über Wolken und die Stadt

Blixa Bargeld
[live oder nicht]


(in the enclave of my heart
where I lose myself
(...)
Two large black ravens
devouring the plums in the tree
I wonder if the other city cares for me...
(...)
Come and pay me a visit 
I have unlimited time
and the view is most lovely
over the clouds and the town)

maybe looking up

S.

S.

(If I had no place to fall and I needed to
Could I count on you to lay me down?*)

just have to find it

S.

a ten ton catastrophe on a 60 pound chain*

Vi o meu morto. Não fui capaz de ignorar a certidão de óbito, seria  hipócrita e insensato.

(Num acto reflexo as lágrimas caíram sem que me desse conta)

*Nick Cave

"espanta-me não sentir saudades, eu que sinto a falta de tudo. Ou talvez tenha mudado e sinta cada vez menos saudades daquilo que acabou. Não é verdade. É verdade. Não sei. Acho que não é verdade mas não sei. Pensando melhor, sei: não é verdade. A sério: não é verdade, sinto."

António Lobo Antunes, As lágrimas da lua, Visão nº 1038

"há textos que basta mudá-los de lugar e ficam outra coisa.
(...)
O romance tem a função maravilhosa de confrontar pessoas e os modos de ver o mundo. Eu não tenho medo dos romances que dizem coisas. Não tem mal nenhum uma obra de arte perturbar e ajudar a alterar a percepção das pessoas em relação ao mundo."

Rui Zink, Visão nº 1037

366

(so... I say why does it make me feel this way)

S.s fragil herz

dein schnelles herz wenn ich dich halte
ich hab’ dich unglücklich erwischt

Blixa Bargeld
festhalten

About C.

S.

(there is a goal, keep the perspective)


P.s. - He has words for you:
My body's weak
I feel my heart giving up on me
I'm worried it might just be
My body's weak,
Feel my lungs giving up on me
I'm worried it might just be
Something my soul needs
Something my soul needs
Something my soul needs

It was really hard to check

and, against all expectations, the sucker is still beating.
















(Y. checked)

6 anos sem K.

Foi a minha primeira grande perda - a primeira desse ano. 

Não houve dias suficientes para a despedida - nunca há. Não houve horas suficientes naquela tarde em que mo tiraram dos braços para o levar onde eu não consegui... não houve nada que me preparasse para a brutalidade daquele dia 17; a brutalidade de escolher o fim - esgotadas todas as hipóteses -, por querer que o sofrimento dele parasse; nada, absolutamente nada, me preparou para a brutalidade da ausência permanente e do tempo que demora a doer menos.

Não tenho terreno fértil para cultivar os sonhos. Pouca coisa pode crescer entre rocha e cinza. Num acto de resignação tento(am) convencer-me de que um dia será possível... que por agora tenho sorte por conseguir sequer ter ervas daninhas a começar a rebentar.

(is this worth it? tempted to say: not at all.)

B.[liss] & Y.[earn]

Y.

B.

Tongue-tied

I don't know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don't know why
I feel
So skinned alive.
My thoughts are misguided and a little naive
I twitch and I salivate like with myxomatosis
You should put me in a home or you should put me down
I got myxomatosis
I got myxomatosis

Thom Yorke*

10 ton catastrophe on a 60 pound chain

It became so empty.
(my body is groaning, falling me again... as if I needed a reminder.)

I'm sorry,
can't make your party
I'll be busy burning

Keaton Henson

(and music fills my bones again, at last
and pride inflates my chest...)

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

did nothing to challenge or resist...

will you eye me with a longing?

It is longing that I feel
To be missed for, to be real

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

(no one can hurt you)

and now for something completely different...

Y.

These Days

There were nights and mornings
When you come to me
Found your way into my bones, my joints
Into my veins
Like an animal you coiled your darkness around me
You spelled your name in charcoal
All over my body

Ane Brun

Note to self

I know this life seems never-ending
But you’ve got nothin’ but time
And it ain’t got nothin’ on you

Chan Marshall
[Cat Power & Iggy Pop]

Barely...

S. 

(Foi com grande surpresa que constatei que o meu corpo sobreviveu a este ano infernal. Saiu há pouco dos cuidados intensivos, mas ainda não é possível determinar os danos permanentes.)

Quando chegará?

Vai chegar o dia em que eu não escreverei mais sobre ti, mas amanhã não é ainda a véspera desse dia. 

Pedro Mexia (a-leiseca)


[Ouvi-o tocar, vi o teu nome e afastei-me. Não quero ouvir a tua voz, quero manter-te morto... mas desde esse momento que tenho um nó na garganta e o coração a bater descompassado. Anseio pela véspera de tal dia.]

turn out the lights

Dos dias mais negros

Anjos de asas partidas ou arrancadas brutalmente. Despedaçados, já não nos guardam os sonhos. Cegos como nós, sangram ácido em vez de esperança. Vazios de amanhã.

31/03/2012

Dos dias mais negros

da colecção de lâminas:

- "quando eu penso no que quero para o futuro tu não estás incluída";
- "o caminho que decidi percorrer é o do bem estar";
- "a minha vontade não é estar contigo";
- "não é terapêutico nem para mim nem para ti";
- "a verdade acima de tudo".

Jan-Abr. 2012

Afinal é tão fácil...

S.

Letting go

S.

Like a far flung star
There you are
Littlest than before
As you slip from my fingertips
Left me here on the burning shore

Searched and searched
Ah, you were worth so much
More than you ever thought you were
Everything you believe I still carry with me
Broken down on the burning shore

And it must have felt much easier
To have the stars along your side
And it must have felt much easier
To have the world along your side



A Daddy's girl
I see you curl
And sleeping on the floor
Maybe you dream a little dream of me
Down here on the burning shore

Yeah, there you are
Attached to a star
Beyond the point of no return
Maybe you ought to spare a thought
For those of us down here who never learn

And it must have felt much easier
To have the world along your side
And it must have felt much easier
To have the stars along your side

Nick Cave
[Star charmer]

Dismal

I'll show you how the lilies grow
if you be still for me

The Daemon Lover - Traditional

"Wrapped in a coat with tears in your eyes?"

Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built 
Out of longing great wonders have been willed 
They're only little tears, darling, let them spill 
And lay your head upon my shoulder 
Outside my window the world has gone to war

Nick Cave

As últimas palavras foram secas, assépticas. Transportam o peso da desistência e da desilusão - não sei sequer se repararás na falta de calor, de humanidade. Foram escritas por quem não tolera nem mais um golpe numa pele cheia de cortes profundos e intermináveis.

[keeping me company]

Brittle

What you've managed is to cheapen everything I've done
and don't pretend to know what I've been through, son.
And these days grievances come through my open door,
(...)
I was once a careless lover,
now I live most undercover.

Keaton Henson
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvD4bAqj5qc]


(Thank you M.)

To C.

Does he know when you're sad?
You don't like to be touched,
Let alone kissed.

Does he know where your lips begin?

Do you know who you are?
Do you laugh, just to know
what I lack?

Do you know your lip shakes
when you're mad?
And do you notice when you're sad?

You don't like to be touched,
Let alone kissed.

Does his love make your head spin?

Keaton Henson

“os eucaliptos dos anos destroem tudo em torno de nós. Sobram cinzas, raízes, sombras, restos de pedras calcinadas, vozes ao rés da erva à procura da boca onde nasceram, a pedir que as escutemos. O que se ganha em troca? Uma cor diferente no silêncio, aquilo a que chamamos sabedoria e não é mais que uma tristeza resignada”

António Lobo Antunes, Visão, 2010

[keeping me company]

...

Não passo sequer no quarteirão do cemitério. Ainda não descobri como se faz o luto de um vivo. Só lhe consegui esquecer a voz... mas não o cheiro, a pele, as palavras e, sobretudo, o calor do abraço. Temo encontrá-lo a cada esquina e... perceber que não morreu ainda.

[keeping me company]

“É uma espécie de fascismo emocional: estou a limpar a zona com napalm.”

Pedro Mexia

"please let me start again"

I asked my father,
I said, "Father change my name."
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame. 
(...)
He said, "I locked you in this body,
I meant it as a kind of trial."
(...)
"Then let me start again," I cried,
"please let me start again,
I want a face that's fair this time,
I want a spirit that is calm." 

Leonard Cohen

"Your pain is no credential here, it's just the shadow of my wound"

I stepped into an avalanche, 
it covered up my soul;
when I am not this hunchback that you see, 
I sleep beneath the golden hill. 
You who wish to conquer pain, 
you must learn, learn to serve me well. 
You strike my side by accident 
as you go down for your gold. 
The cripple here that you clothe and feed 
is neither starved nor cold; 
he does not ask for your company, 
not at the centre, the centre of the world. 

When I am on a pedestal, 
you did not raise me there. 
Your laws do not compel me 
to kneel grotesque and bare. 
I myself am the pedestal 
for this ugly hump at which you stare. 

You who wish to conquer pain, 
you must learn what makes me kind; 
the crumbs of love that you offer me, 
they're the crumbs I've left behind. 
Your pain is no credential here, 
it's just the shadow, of my wound. 

I have begun to long for you, 
I who have no greed; 
I have begun to ask for you, 
I who have no need. 
You say you've gone away from me, 
but I can feel you when you breathe. 

Do not dress in those rags for me, 
I know you are not poor; 
you don't love me quite so fiercely now 
when you know that you are not sure, 
it is your world, beloved, 
it is your flesh that I wear.


Leonard Cohen

(Cover by Nick Cave: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daNSyhVEvfM)

Esta minha inclinação para o inútil, para o que já está perdido à partida...

Shallow breathing

Something is creeping up. Lately, it has cuddled next to the heart and lungs forcing me to a shallow breathing.  
(I guess what's left unsaid haunts you down like a black, raging, dog.)

Bruises and scars

B. 07

"I have so many bruises, I have so many scars, but you have such a smile.
Oh you have such a smile.

I can't believe I was counting the days it would take to come back if I leave.
Oh, I can't believe I was blinking and trying to read between the lines.
I can't believe I was swimming in this empty pool.
Oh, I can't believe you're my Big Bang."


Mélanie Pain
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCakOqdxUYk]

A ironia das aparências

[4 anos depois]
- "tu estás igual!!"

*Eu!, eu que não me reconheço sequer.*

Was there a time when...?

Was there a time when love had failed you
And left you no place left to turn?
And was there a time when love had cradled you
And would catch you from any fall?

It's not so serious, not so serious
Not so serious, after all

And was there a wolf that escaped from your dream
And hid behind your bedroom door?
And was there a hand that reached out and pulled you near
And would catch you from any fall?

It's not so serious, not so serious
Not so serious, after all

Mother dear
The sky is falling
Through this night
I am crawling around
I need the sound of your heart.

Tindersticks

Sakuras & Áceres

A nossa história fez-se de flores de cerejeira e áceres vermelhos. Ao contrário deles não se renovará, está irremediavelmente perdida.

We go down with the dew in the morning light

While you were searching for your Gods
I was walking through the dark
Trying to find a way
To make you stay
With me

But I'm no match for your Gods
They have something I have not
The promise of a perfect love

(...)

While you were searching for your Gods
I turned my back on us
Trying to leave you be
So you could find your way
Back to me

Azure Ray

Blues run the game

Living is a gamble, baby,
Loving is much the same,
Wherever I have played,
Wherever I thrown those dice,
Wherever I have played
The blues run the game.

Jackson C. Frank

The magnolia blooms so sweet and it fades just the same

"Oh love, I been thinking of you
With razor white teeth so sharp
Honest its true

In my blood flows sleep
And the dark heavy rain
The magnolia blooms so sweet
Only torturing me

To the stars my love
To the sea
To the wheels my love
'till they roll all over me"

Mark Lanegan

É demencial

"Errando pela baixa
Os olhos fixos num horizonte perdido
Sem uma palavra
Sem um som
(...)
Ninguém dizia nada
O silêncio
Acompanhava o olhar vazio
A dor"

Adolfo Luxúria Canibal

Não entendo se não previas os estragos, ou se és apenas insensível.

sharp razor blade as gift

(hoje o "presente" foi este... foi isto que me rasgou a pele, outra vez, e não me deixa respirar.)

What good am I if I’m like all the rest

If I just turn away, when I see how you’re dressed

If I shut myself off so I can’t hear you cry

What good am I?

What good am I if I know and don’t do

If I see and don’t say, if I look right through you

If I turn a deaf ear to the thunderin’ sky

What good am I?

What good am I while you softly weep

And I hear in my head what you say in your sleep

And I freeze in the moment like the rest who don’t try

What good am I?

What good am I then to others and me

If I’ve had every chance and yet still fail to see

If my hands are tied must I not wonder within

Who tied them and why and where must I have been?

What good am I if I say foolish things

And I laugh in the face of what sorrow brings

And I just turn my back while you silently die

What good am I?

Bob Dylan*

Push the sky away

[Acerca do novo álbum]

"Well, if I were to use that threadbare metaphor of albums being like children, then Push The Sky Away is the ghost-baby in the incubator and Warren's loops are its tiny, trembling heart-beat."

Nick Cave
http://www.nickcave.com/