unless...

You will find me waiting through spring and summer
You will find me waiting waiting for the fall
You will find me waiting for the apples to ripen
You will find me waiting for them to fall
You will find me by the banks of all four rivers
You will find me at the spring of conciousness
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it's pouring down with rain

Blixa Bargeld*

O registo das perdas nunca se ficará pelo algarismo 1. O das ausências temporárias ou permanentes também não.

from the past

When you can't find your heart but your body keeps moving
When you can't tell your life apart from your dreams
Follow the lights into the valley
Gently respond to the pull of a string

Jason Webley
[www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD95A2Foda0]

Note to self

Hoje responsabilizei-nos. A ti por não me teres cuidado como se cuida de quem se ama. A mim por me ter resignado a viver na invisibilidade.

Não me senti culpada.

(pela primeira vez em muito tempo)

It could mean anything

25/04/2012

April
How could I not have seen

April
You coming

April
How could I have worn
Inappropriate clothing

April
All that careful stepping
Rounding of my soul
And now your rain

April
I feel you leaving

I don't know what silence means
It could mean anything


April
Won't you answer me
These days just seem to crush me
Hatching, collapsing, tumbling down

April
What if I drown
I drown

April
I see you leaving
I don't know what silence means
It could mean anything
Won't you answer me

I dreamed
I dreamed
April, April
That I'm walking
That I'm watching
April
Your rain
It overcomes me


Polly Jean Harvey*

Undone

Concussions crown was all I wore 
When my mind met the floor

Rowland S. Howard*

How can it be as quiet as this, this close to the edge?

F. by S.

Feels like an ending
She's winding her way towards a conclusion
That never comes
Caroline feels uncomfortably numb

She's in deep
Surrendering to the promise of sleep
Almost done
Caroline plays an audience of one

And it isn't polite
She won't even try
A problem to no one
A problem to none

How can it be as quiet as this
This close to the edge?
Caroline says she's nobody's friend

F. by S.

How can you breathe 
Embarrassed to be this far left of alone?
Caroline knows there's nobody home

It's ending
Winding its way towards a conclusion
Nearly done
Caroline knows there's nothing to come

When in doubt
She wanted to get it all down in writing
Didn't count
Better if someone else works it out

The files are deleted
No resisting at all
Already defeated 

David Sylvian*

Places that used to be home

S.

Hold me now while my old life dies tonight and I surrender

David Sylvian*

You paint yourself white
And fill up with noise
But there'll be something missing

Thom Yorke*

home for a lonely heart

Who measured the distance from the planets
Right down to your big blue spinning world
And heartbeats and tears and nervous laughter
Spilling down all over you, girl

Nick Cave*

The cat doesn't care, she's taking bets

Since we came to be here 

the pills will not work anymore

Don't try cracking the turnstyle 

or beating down the door.

Plastic rooms with false light 

won't save us from the drums. 

Horses beat the rhythm.

Carla Bozulich*

Sinto que algo me abandona, uma velha pele, um sonho do passado…
Como dizer esta tristeza?
Florestas sem música?








Adolfo Luxúria Canibal*

there won’t be a star left untouched

Just let me sit alone in this chair, my own make believe little throne
Ah Honey and collect the thoughts that’ll help me to stand

Josh T. Pearson*

Then your old friend silence will creep back into this pettiest of all places

He’ll ask you again, “Which is better or for worse, living with me or living with all my ghosts?”

Josh T. Pearson*

With intensity, the drop evaporates by law
In conclusion, leaving is easy
When you've got some place you need to be
I'm giving up this gig for another season
(...)
What if I had stood there at the end
And said again and again and again and again and again
An answer to every question
Riding for the feeling

Would that have been a suitable goodbye?


Bill Callahan*

Note to self

When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers

And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated

Nick Cave*

Y.

Shivers

Why so green and lonely?

In pitch dark I go walking in your landscape
Broken branches trip me as I speak
Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there
Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there
There's always a siren singing you to shipwreck 
(...)
We are accidents waiting
Waiting to happen

Thom Yorke*

Lá estava o meu morto - e eu invisível no meio da multidão, com saudades daquele para quem já não faço sentido de forma nenhuma.

(It was a slippery slippery slippery slope)

Analisei, ponderei, exigi apenas a justa retribuição. 

Tenho a consciência tranquila.    

Então porque é que duvido no momento do confronto?

F***!!

Ingenue*

no Bairro (do amor?)

[*]

Stacking up hope

S.'s 50' appointment

And I don't feel well
Oh, couldn't you tell,
From the way I touch my face?
(...)
And I ain't no Hercules
I ain't no Hercules

Keaton Henson*

Hit-and-run

O mínimo que podias ter feito era ter enfrentado os destroços da tua escolha, sabendo que isso poderia ter salvo uma vida... com a devida assistência não teríamos amputado a confiança no sonho.

Pré-requisito

- traz a sua declaração de intenções preenchida? ah, ainda não pensou nisso?... pois, compreendo... desculpe, vamos ter que ficar por aqui. Sabe... eu já não consigo confiar. Não, uma carta de recomendação não me chega.

As cores saturadas da ilha; aquela rua a norte da península; dezenas de recantos, os intermináveis parques, a loja italiana onde bebíamos café, o gato numa janela em Kreuzberg... de forma intermitente estas imagens assombram os meus dias, e eu não sei o que fazer com elas.

*

teachings to keep

"if we could ever remove humiliation out of our psique then we can continue to learn things (...) I said if anyone has got a problem with it, that is your problem."

Eddie Izzard

We are, 
                I say, 
                           mostly lost.

Nick Cave*

"Can you feel my heartbeat?"*

Who cares, who cares what the future brings?
Black road long and I drove and drove
I came upon a crossroad
The night was hot and black
(...)
Oh let the damn day break
The rainy days always make me sad

Nick Cave*

And some people say it's just rock'n roll 
Oh, but it gets you right down to your soul

Nick Cave

Will you? Will I?

I dreamed that we buried something down in the dirt 
outback of where we lived
something that was a secret
and now it only comes back when I sleep and dream, dream
will you wake up before you hit the ground?

Hugo Race

Lovers sleep alone

Zu spät

No teu currículo há (mais) um ano de fuga e de culpa auto-inflingida. No meu figura um ano da mais pura desilusão.  É demasiado tarde para o abraço que redime.

(para ti foi assim)

I've got a feeling that just won't go away

All my life I failed to see
One good thing standing in front of me
(...)
Help me, help me, help me, baby, reach down and collect me

Nick Cave*

I'm gonna drown in that troubled water

No more*

Mantive sempre os indisponíveis por perto. Amei-os. Justifiquei-lhes tudo, até o egoísmo extremo e a pobre comunicação. Não arrombei a entrada, esperei, pacientemente, incompreensivelmente. Recolhi as migalhas. E paguei caro a entrega - a heart filled with music is not enough.

And no more do I sing of things better left untold*

"with the violence of each day, of each coming day"

my silence says too much
has shades of absence and the wrecks of your touch








a Jigsaw*

Jesus makes the flowers grow all around the scene of her collision

There's some cat on the saxophone
Laying down a litany of excuses
(...)
She lives in some forgotten song
And moves like she is zombie-strong
Breathes steady as the pendulum keeps swinging

Nick Cave*

In der Enklave meines Herzens

in der Enklave meines Herzens
in der ich mich verlier
(...)
Zwei grosse schwarze Raben
fressen die Pflaumen aus dem Baum
Ob die andre Stadt mich lieb hat ...?
(...)
Komm mich mal besuchen
ich hab’ unendlich Zeit
und der Blick der ist vom Feinsten
über Wolken und die Stadt

Blixa Bargeld
[live oder nicht]


(in the enclave of my heart
where I lose myself
(...)
Two large black ravens
devouring the plums in the tree
I wonder if the other city cares for me...
(...)
Come and pay me a visit 
I have unlimited time
and the view is most lovely
over the clouds and the town)

maybe looking up

S.

S.

(If I had no place to fall and I needed to
Could I count on you to lay me down?*)

just have to find it

S.

a ten ton catastrophe on a 60 pound chain*

Vi o meu morto. Não fui capaz de ignorar a certidão de óbito, seria  hipócrita e insensato.

(Num acto reflexo as lágrimas caíram sem que me desse conta)

*Nick Cave

"espanta-me não sentir saudades, eu que sinto a falta de tudo. Ou talvez tenha mudado e sinta cada vez menos saudades daquilo que acabou. Não é verdade. É verdade. Não sei. Acho que não é verdade mas não sei. Pensando melhor, sei: não é verdade. A sério: não é verdade, sinto."

António Lobo Antunes, As lágrimas da lua, Visão nº 1038

"há textos que basta mudá-los de lugar e ficam outra coisa.
(...)
O romance tem a função maravilhosa de confrontar pessoas e os modos de ver o mundo. Eu não tenho medo dos romances que dizem coisas. Não tem mal nenhum uma obra de arte perturbar e ajudar a alterar a percepção das pessoas em relação ao mundo."

Rui Zink, Visão nº 1037

366

(so... I say why does it make me feel this way)

S.s fragil herz

dein schnelles herz wenn ich dich halte
ich hab’ dich unglücklich erwischt

Blixa Bargeld
festhalten

About C.

S.

(there is a goal, keep the perspective)


P.s. - He has words for you:
My body's weak
I feel my heart giving up on me
I'm worried it might just be
My body's weak,
Feel my lungs giving up on me
I'm worried it might just be
Something my soul needs
Something my soul needs
Something my soul needs

It was really hard to check

and, against all expectations, the sucker is still beating.
















(Y. checked)

6 anos sem K.

Foi a minha primeira grande perda - a primeira desse ano. 

Não houve dias suficientes para a despedida - nunca há. Não houve horas suficientes naquela tarde em que mo tiraram dos braços para o levar onde eu não consegui... não houve nada que me preparasse para a brutalidade daquele dia 17; a brutalidade de escolher o fim - esgotadas todas as hipóteses -, por querer que o sofrimento dele parasse; nada, absolutamente nada, me preparou para a brutalidade da ausência permanente e do tempo que demora a doer menos.

Não tenho terreno fértil para cultivar os sonhos. Pouca coisa pode crescer entre rocha e cinza. Num acto de resignação tento(am) convencer-me de que um dia será possível... que por agora tenho sorte por conseguir sequer ter ervas daninhas a começar a rebentar.

(is this worth it? tempted to say: not at all.)

B.[liss] & Y.[earn]

Y.

B.

Tongue-tied

I don't know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don't know why
I feel
So skinned alive.
My thoughts are misguided and a little naive
I twitch and I salivate like with myxomatosis
You should put me in a home or you should put me down
I got myxomatosis
I got myxomatosis

Thom Yorke*