Barely...

S. 

(Foi com grande surpresa que constatei que o meu corpo sobreviveu a este ano infernal. Saiu há pouco dos cuidados intensivos, mas ainda não é possível determinar os danos permanentes.)

Quando chegará?

Vai chegar o dia em que eu não escreverei mais sobre ti, mas amanhã não é ainda a véspera desse dia. 

Pedro Mexia (a-leiseca)


[Ouvi-o tocar, vi o teu nome e afastei-me. Não quero ouvir a tua voz, quero manter-te morto... mas desde esse momento que tenho um nó na garganta e o coração a bater descompassado. Anseio pela véspera de tal dia.]

turn out the lights

Dos dias mais negros

Anjos de asas partidas ou arrancadas brutalmente. Despedaçados, já não nos guardam os sonhos. Cegos como nós, sangram ácido em vez de esperança. Vazios de amanhã.

31/03/2012

Dos dias mais negros

da colecção de lâminas:

- "quando eu penso no que quero para o futuro tu não estás incluída";
- "o caminho que decidi percorrer é o do bem estar";
- "a minha vontade não é estar contigo";
- "não é terapêutico nem para mim nem para ti";
- "a verdade acima de tudo".

Jan-Abr. 2012

Afinal é tão fácil...

S.

Letting go

S.

Like a far flung star
There you are
Littlest than before
As you slip from my fingertips
Left me here on the burning shore

Searched and searched
Ah, you were worth so much
More than you ever thought you were
Everything you believe I still carry with me
Broken down on the burning shore

And it must have felt much easier
To have the stars along your side
And it must have felt much easier
To have the world along your side



A Daddy's girl
I see you curl
And sleeping on the floor
Maybe you dream a little dream of me
Down here on the burning shore

Yeah, there you are
Attached to a star
Beyond the point of no return
Maybe you ought to spare a thought
For those of us down here who never learn

And it must have felt much easier
To have the world along your side
And it must have felt much easier
To have the stars along your side

Nick Cave
[Star charmer]

Dismal

I'll show you how the lilies grow
if you be still for me

The Daemon Lover - Traditional

"Wrapped in a coat with tears in your eyes?"

Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built 
Out of longing great wonders have been willed 
They're only little tears, darling, let them spill 
And lay your head upon my shoulder 
Outside my window the world has gone to war

Nick Cave

As últimas palavras foram secas, assépticas. Transportam o peso da desistência e da desilusão - não sei sequer se repararás na falta de calor, de humanidade. Foram escritas por quem não tolera nem mais um golpe numa pele cheia de cortes profundos e intermináveis.

[keeping me company]

Brittle

What you've managed is to cheapen everything I've done
and don't pretend to know what I've been through, son.
And these days grievances come through my open door,
(...)
I was once a careless lover,
now I live most undercover.

Keaton Henson
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvD4bAqj5qc]


(Thank you M.)

To C.

Does he know when you're sad?
You don't like to be touched,
Let alone kissed.

Does he know where your lips begin?

Do you know who you are?
Do you laugh, just to know
what I lack?

Do you know your lip shakes
when you're mad?
And do you notice when you're sad?

You don't like to be touched,
Let alone kissed.

Does his love make your head spin?

Keaton Henson

“os eucaliptos dos anos destroem tudo em torno de nós. Sobram cinzas, raízes, sombras, restos de pedras calcinadas, vozes ao rés da erva à procura da boca onde nasceram, a pedir que as escutemos. O que se ganha em troca? Uma cor diferente no silêncio, aquilo a que chamamos sabedoria e não é mais que uma tristeza resignada”

António Lobo Antunes, Visão, 2010

[keeping me company]

...

Não passo sequer no quarteirão do cemitério. Ainda não descobri como se faz o luto de um vivo. Só lhe consegui esquecer a voz... mas não o cheiro, a pele, as palavras e, sobretudo, o calor do abraço. Temo encontrá-lo a cada esquina e... perceber que não morreu ainda.

[keeping me company]

“É uma espécie de fascismo emocional: estou a limpar a zona com napalm.”

Pedro Mexia

"please let me start again"

I asked my father,
I said, "Father change my name."
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame. 
(...)
He said, "I locked you in this body,
I meant it as a kind of trial."
(...)
"Then let me start again," I cried,
"please let me start again,
I want a face that's fair this time,
I want a spirit that is calm." 

Leonard Cohen

"Your pain is no credential here, it's just the shadow of my wound"

I stepped into an avalanche, 
it covered up my soul;
when I am not this hunchback that you see, 
I sleep beneath the golden hill. 
You who wish to conquer pain, 
you must learn, learn to serve me well. 
You strike my side by accident 
as you go down for your gold. 
The cripple here that you clothe and feed 
is neither starved nor cold; 
he does not ask for your company, 
not at the centre, the centre of the world. 

When I am on a pedestal, 
you did not raise me there. 
Your laws do not compel me 
to kneel grotesque and bare. 
I myself am the pedestal 
for this ugly hump at which you stare. 

You who wish to conquer pain, 
you must learn what makes me kind; 
the crumbs of love that you offer me, 
they're the crumbs I've left behind. 
Your pain is no credential here, 
it's just the shadow, of my wound. 

I have begun to long for you, 
I who have no greed; 
I have begun to ask for you, 
I who have no need. 
You say you've gone away from me, 
but I can feel you when you breathe. 

Do not dress in those rags for me, 
I know you are not poor; 
you don't love me quite so fiercely now 
when you know that you are not sure, 
it is your world, beloved, 
it is your flesh that I wear.


Leonard Cohen

(Cover by Nick Cave: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daNSyhVEvfM)

Esta minha inclinação para o inútil, para o que já está perdido à partida...

Shallow breathing

Something is creeping up. Lately, it has cuddled next to the heart and lungs forcing me to a shallow breathing.  
(I guess what's left unsaid haunts you down like a black, raging, dog.)

Bruises and scars

B. 07

"I have so many bruises, I have so many scars, but you have such a smile.
Oh you have such a smile.

I can't believe I was counting the days it would take to come back if I leave.
Oh, I can't believe I was blinking and trying to read between the lines.
I can't believe I was swimming in this empty pool.
Oh, I can't believe you're my Big Bang."


Mélanie Pain
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCakOqdxUYk]

A ironia das aparências

[4 anos depois]
- "tu estás igual!!"

*Eu!, eu que não me reconheço sequer.*

Was there a time when...?

Was there a time when love had failed you
And left you no place left to turn?
And was there a time when love had cradled you
And would catch you from any fall?

It's not so serious, not so serious
Not so serious, after all

And was there a wolf that escaped from your dream
And hid behind your bedroom door?
And was there a hand that reached out and pulled you near
And would catch you from any fall?

It's not so serious, not so serious
Not so serious, after all

Mother dear
The sky is falling
Through this night
I am crawling around
I need the sound of your heart.

Tindersticks

Sakuras & Áceres

A nossa história fez-se de flores de cerejeira e áceres vermelhos. Ao contrário deles não se renovará, está irremediavelmente perdida.

We go down with the dew in the morning light

While you were searching for your Gods
I was walking through the dark
Trying to find a way
To make you stay
With me

But I'm no match for your Gods
They have something I have not
The promise of a perfect love

(...)

While you were searching for your Gods
I turned my back on us
Trying to leave you be
So you could find your way
Back to me

Azure Ray

Blues run the game

Living is a gamble, baby,
Loving is much the same,
Wherever I have played,
Wherever I thrown those dice,
Wherever I have played
The blues run the game.

Jackson C. Frank

The magnolia blooms so sweet and it fades just the same

"Oh love, I been thinking of you
With razor white teeth so sharp
Honest its true

In my blood flows sleep
And the dark heavy rain
The magnolia blooms so sweet
Only torturing me

To the stars my love
To the sea
To the wheels my love
'till they roll all over me"

Mark Lanegan

É demencial

"Errando pela baixa
Os olhos fixos num horizonte perdido
Sem uma palavra
Sem um som
(...)
Ninguém dizia nada
O silêncio
Acompanhava o olhar vazio
A dor"

Adolfo Luxúria Canibal

Não entendo se não previas os estragos, ou se és apenas insensível.

sharp razor blade as gift

(hoje o "presente" foi este... foi isto que me rasgou a pele, outra vez, e não me deixa respirar.)

What good am I if I’m like all the rest

If I just turn away, when I see how you’re dressed

If I shut myself off so I can’t hear you cry

What good am I?

What good am I if I know and don’t do

If I see and don’t say, if I look right through you

If I turn a deaf ear to the thunderin’ sky

What good am I?

What good am I while you softly weep

And I hear in my head what you say in your sleep

And I freeze in the moment like the rest who don’t try

What good am I?

What good am I then to others and me

If I’ve had every chance and yet still fail to see

If my hands are tied must I not wonder within

Who tied them and why and where must I have been?

What good am I if I say foolish things

And I laugh in the face of what sorrow brings

And I just turn my back while you silently die

What good am I?

Bob Dylan*

Push the sky away

[Acerca do novo álbum]

"Well, if I were to use that threadbare metaphor of albums being like children, then Push The Sky Away is the ghost-baby in the incubator and Warren's loops are its tiny, trembling heart-beat."

Nick Cave
http://www.nickcave.com/

Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

I forgive you wanting to be free
I realize you long to wander
And I sympathize with your roving eyes
I just can't forgive your bad manners

Lhasa de Sela

The Love Song

“The Love Song must be borne into the realm of the irrational, the absurd, the distracted, the melancholic, the obsessive and the insane, for the Love Song is the noise of love itself and love is, of course, a form of madness. Whether it be the love of God, or romantic, erotic love – these are manifestations of our need to be torn away from the rational, to take leave of our senses, so to speak. Love Songs come in many forms and are written for a host of reasons, as declarations of love or revenge, to praise or to wound or to flatter – I have written songs for all of these reasons – but ultimately the Love Song exists to fill, with language, the silence between ourselves and God, to decrease the distance between the temporal and the divine.”

Nick Cave – The secret life of the love song 

Today it's a Nick day

"Jesus said, 'Wherever two or more are gathered together, I am in their midst.' Jesus said this because wherever two or more are gathered together, there is communion, there is language, there is imagination, there is God. God is a product of a creative imagination, and God is that imagination taken flight.

As a child I believed that to use the imagination was wicked. I saw my imagination as a dark room with a large bolted door that housed all manner of shameful fantasies. I could almost hear my secret thoughts bumping and scratching behind the door, begging in whispers to be let out, to be told. Back then, I had no idea that those dark mutterings were coming from God. (...)"

Nick Cave - The flesh made Word

Question to self

De que me servirá a consolação de me ter mantido fiel a mim mesma, quando as ligaduras escondem a bela merda que sobrou?

Detachment

"A child's intelligent heart can fathom the depth of many dark places, but can it fathom the delicate moment of its own detachment?"

Henry's character

Medical care needed

Não há pontos internos ou absorvíveis que o impeçam. As cicatrizes continuam a abrir, e a mágoa vai manchando a nova pele (ainda tão frágil).

I want to be a good woman

I don't want be a bad woman
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man.
(...)
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can't see you no more.

Cat Power

(reminder for 2 dreamy and wounded hearts)

Cloudy whiskers

B.

"A minha gata preta tem, por vezes, um enigma de pêlos brancos
(...)
A minha gata lambe-nos as madrugadas ásperas do rosto"

João Paulo Cotrim, A minha gata

Note to self

"Closer, move in closer
Closer now than
Than ever before
I doubt it that you can survive
So far from your trenches and your friends
This is where competition starts and
And all that ends

I sense a lot of tension
Loose, loose
Pull out your arsenal
Dance
(...)
By now we should know the music and the steps
Oh, me, I never asked, I never set you up
A little something for me?
A little something thrown back at me?

This is the floor, these are the rules
These are the moves
This is the room in which we dance
Close the door, say you will dance

Step into this room and dance for me
Step into this room and dance for me
Come on, lady, dance for me
Come on, come on, dance for me"

Madrugada
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mz5PJSEp_M]

"Há pessoas que demoram tanto tempo a deixar-nos."

António Lobo Antunes, Visão nº 1026

(como se fosse um boicote interno à sanidade...)

"Once you hang it on the wall / You can never take it down"

"But there's one thing you can't lose
And it's that feel
You can pawn your watch and chain
But not that feel
It always comes and finds you
It will always hear you cry
I cross my wooden leg
And I swear on my glass eye
It will never leave you high and dry
Never leave you loose
It's harder to get rid of than tattoos"

Tom Waits

(reminder for C.)

"Que humilhação ter-me tornado uma criatura estendida diante de uma pessoa de pé."

António Lobo Antunes, Visão nº 1026

just a flask trapped inside a fall

Entranhada na pele:




"she feels like a stranger has come in the night and stolen her life and left her with this
and boughs break on ebony toothaches
she is just a flask trapped inside a fall
I know you need to find what you thought you left behind in a past life
I won't question why the only light that you have you give away
I know you need to find what you thought you left behind in a past life
I won't question why the only light that you have you give away
she feels like a stranger has come in the night and stolen her life and left her with this"

Man Man

Desencontro

"Nós não somos o outro. De certa maneira, o outro está nos antípodas daqui. (...) Cada palavra que dizemos aqui é simultânea a uma palavra contrária dita pelo outro lá. A língua do outro é incompreensível. Nem parece uma língua. Até estas palavras, até esta frase incompleta. Lá, neste momento, o outro está a dizer exatamente o contrário disto, com a mesma convicção."

José Luís Peixoto, O contrário de mim está a escrever o contrário destas palavras, Visão nº 1027, 08/11/2012

Tongues out!!!

B.

Y.

B. (e o tracto digestivo quase completo!)

An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey

"Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did
I got what I paid for now
See ya tomorrow, hey Frank can I borrow
a couple of bucks from you, to go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley
and I'm tired of all these soldiers here
no one speaks English, and everything's broken
and my Stacys are soaking wet
to go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

now the dogs are barking
and the taxi cabs parking
a lot they can do for me
I begged you to stab me
you tore my shirt open
and I'm down on my knees tonight
Old Bushmills I staggered,
you buried the dagger in
your silhouette window light to go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

now I've lost my St. Christopher
now that I've kissed her and the
one-armed bandit knows, and the
maverick Chinaman, and the cold-blooded signs
and the girls down by the strip tease shows go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

no I don't want your sympathy
the fugitives say that the streets aren't for dreaming now
manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories
They want a piece of the action anyhow go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

and you can ask any sailor
and the keys from the jailer
and the old men in wheelchairs know
that Matilda's the defendant, she killed about a hundred
and she follows wherever you may go
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing
Matilda with me

and it's a battered old suitcase
to a hotel someplace
and a wound that will never heal
no prima donna, the perfume is on
an old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
and goodnight to the street sweepers
the night watchman flame keepers
and goodnight Matilda, too"

Tom Waits

"Hell above and heaven below"*

S.

[keeping me company]

Reminder

S.

Note to self

"can't you see that we have come so far already?
light shines through the cracks and deepest, darkest, clouds
(...)
can't you hear that sound you're making?
oh darling Rosa
amputees they all agree that they would like their arms and legs back
oh Rosa
can't you feel your heart beating?"

The Devastations
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLx8Giba3mU]

Mature mild-mannered catastrophes

"But they don't use the word
once dropped it might break

They do not say that they have loved
for who can say
We were killed yesterday"

Blixa Bargeld
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ulbK3tUMNg]

"I remember a faraway laugh, a sweet caress"

"I remember not knowing what to say
And how calm you had remained
(...)
Please don't let what was get in the way of what's next
Don't forget
That what's to come hasn't come yet"

Devendra Banhart

"Hiding under the covers
With no one else to blame
You couldn't help out your own neighbour
You couldn't tell it to his face
You were fucked up by the blame

You cower in the corner
Confide in your father
Let it out and say
Let it pass away
(...)
Let it break your day
Let it out and say

Wait there
Pull yourself out of this state dear
Acknowledge you were a fake here
From there on you might just grow"

Matt Corby
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W9ewqSjkKk]

Ship of woes

S.&Y.

It takes awhile
To settle down
My ship of hopes
Wait 'til the past leaks out

It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break

Matt Berninger






[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=330UqSBEXaU]

reconhecerei o volume da alma
agarrada com unhas e dentes às
réstias do corpo


valter hugo mãe, estou escondido na cor amarga do fim da tarde

Where have you gone?

... are you in there?

Y.

"Isto, aparentemente, não significa nada e, no entanto, faz-nos vibrar como cordas."*

 

*António Lobo Antunes

It really proves nothing

"Just listen to me breathe
but that proves nothing

In the middle of my circles
but their centre I am not

motionless
waiting
waiting"

Blixa Bargeld

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BBmN6JtG58]

ich hab’ dich unglücklich erwischt

B.

bleib
bleib
bleib
bleib
es fehlen stäbe, stäbe fehlen
die zwischenräume sind gross genug
dein schnelles herz wenn ich dich halte
ich hab’ dich unglücklich erwischt
bleib
bleib
bleib
bleib
ich kann dich nicht
am fliegen hindern
aber selbst zwei kontinente weiter
noch singen hören
bleib
bleib
bleib

Blixa Bargeld
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEPJ3It_lTQ]
[stay
stay
stay
stay
bars are missing, missing bars
the gaps between are big enough
your rapid heart when I hold you
I caught you in a bad way
stay
stay
stay
I cannot
stop you flying
but even two continents away
can still hear you singing
stay
stay
stay
stay]

"para adultos de pé e olhos abertos"

"Se há pessoas que olham para o que construí como difícil de entender é porque não compreendem a complexidade da vida, e isso não é culpa minha, é defeito delas. (...) O medo de saber apavora-nos. A ideia de tomar consciência arrepia-nos. Recusamos a possibilidade de viver no interior de nós mesmos. O facto de um livro contar uma história apazigua o nosso lado infantil. Não serve de nada salvo para nos tranquilizar. E continuamos por fora do que nos inquieta, nos assusta, nos alerta (...) Fiz livros para adultos de pé e olhos abertos. (...) Não é possível falar racionalmente do que não é racional, explicar o que se passa antes das palavras, desarticular o que é feito de uma peça apenas e a vida do autor só para ele mesmo e, na melhor das hipóteses, para mais meia dúzia de criaturas, poderá ter interesse. A arte, mistério impenetrável, não cabe na razão lógica e qualquer tentativa de a desmontar será sempre inútil. (...) Permanecerá para sempre secreta e insolúvel. Pode bordar-se em torno mas fora da muralha, nada tem que ver com a inteligência, a razão, o raciocínio dedutivo: existe em si mesma, por si mesma e para si mesma, apenas permeável ao inconsciente e, no entanto, ao tocar-nos no inconsciente muda a nossa percepção do mundo e de nós mesmos em consequência de um mecanismo que nos escapa. (...)

Pelo teu amor dói-me o ar

o coração e o chapéu.

Isto, aparentemente, não significa nada e, no entanto, faz-nos vibrar como cordas."

António Lobo Antunes, Adeus, Visão nº 1024, 18/10/2012

Heart undone

"Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
(...)
He'll never return it"

Björk

"He offers
A handshake
Crooked
Five fingers
They form a pattern
Yet to be matched
(...)
This time
I'm gonna keep me all to myself
'She loves him, she loves him'
And he makes me want to hand myself over"

Björk
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqF8_UcUQdQ]

A tempestade aparece mesmo num dia azul

Pensava que já não doía mais, que não era possível que pudesse doer mais. Infelizmente, esqueci-me do bocadinho de vidro que continua enterrado junto às terminações nervosas ainda activas.

Parece que já não há mais nada para chorar - porque chorar - e isso não impede as lágrimas de cair. As putas insistem em não secar, ao contrário do resto de mim.

"What is normally called religion what I would tend to call music (...) I think records and music are more appropriate and more respectful of the human soul than the churches are. And more respectful of the needs of humans to communicate with the aspects of themselves that are neglected by language. I don't think people think about God so much as they think about themselves and how they're going to get through life."

Will Oldham

What has not disappeared in the storm...

Y&B

S&B

Não é coragem

... é apenas inevitabilidade. 

Transportar um cadáver junto ao coração faz-nos morrer um pouco também. Se já perdemos quase tudo... então não é coragem... é um não poder deixar de ser.

Through "the gloom and the blazing"

Surprised by what I found

"you've been on my mind

'cause it's about time to see things just as they are

(...)

I was surprised by what I found"

There's only so much damage a heart can take. And so much pain one can endure.


(I can assure it only fuckin' stops when there's nothing left of you.) 

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uctrQBJSY8]

In a nutshell...

2012 não tem sido mais do que isto. 

Y.

A labyrinth without walls

There is a labyrinth 

but it has no walls

there are no exit signs

no arrows, no red lines

and there is you and me

goes without saying

Where would you go without me?

We have to make decisions

before it gets too dark

the sunset is behind us

we're facing terra incognita

it's still hard to make decisions

in a labyrinth without walls

But where would you go without me?

Make up your mind

by chance or intuition

you can't just turn around 

stand motionless and wait

I could follow you 

or you could follow me

In this labyrinth 

without it's walls

where no ways are clearly marked

we find untrodden paths

we as you and me

goes without saying

And where would you go without me?

Homage to L. (who got caught in a storm)

It's been 5 years now. The memory of that night, of that moment, remains brutal. It still...
Miss you.

Maybe not

"Listen to me, don’t walk that street
There’s always an end to it
(...)
We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We won’t have a thing
So we’ve got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

But with your mind"

Chan Marshall

I'm off

I'm off to save the world
At least I can hope

Josh T. Pearson

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9KghKIEfE]

Question to self

"What's a place like that doing in a girl like you?"

The Devastations

Things must be different from now on

I always knew what I was doing
I knew every face in the cast
Now who the hell let you in?
I thought I buried you way back, back in my past

I have waited so long
That whoever loved you is gone
So things will be different
From now on

Things will be different
From now on
Things will be different
From now on

The Devastations
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3SUy30vFi4]

Certeza desfeita?

Ou antes um coração desfeito?

Algures numa rua de Lisboa

Nota para S.

É tempo de parar quando: já não te preservas; ignoras o instinto natural de sobrevivência e te transformas numa suicida em potência; não evitas as lâminas que te rasgam a pele e as entranhas; és inconsequente no acto de acreditar; te permites uma existência enquanto desperdício vagamente humano.

Ultrapassaste os limites do razoável. Lembra-te disso sob pena de não conseguires regressar.

Enough is enough...

Resignar-me-ei. Aceitarei, por fim, a tua condição. Serei mais um ficheiro no teu arquivo morto. Partilharei a mesma sala escura com tudo o que atormenta a tua existência de estufa.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKnTjYu4c44]

Things just are

Will Oldham on Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

Keep you apart deep in my heart (...) and keep the things you forgot

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be, that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
There with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
Where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still, I'll keep them still, I'll keep them still…

Elliot Smith

How can it feel this wrong?

S.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say, 
Frozen to myself.

Beth Gibbons

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1jyL3cr60]

note to self

"não te destruas porque eu preciso de ti inteira"...

(obrigada C.)

Autopreservação

Num amanhã, que virá, desistirei (de ti). Para não enlouquecer.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cruFQGKCuJg]

"Mañana te digo que el amor / que el amor se ha ido"*

Todos os dias desejo que o esquecimento me envolva no seu manto de chuva morna.

(Este corpo exausto necessita de tréguas.)

*Lhasa de Sela

On being happy

Entrega de Y.

Autumn's child
You sweet young thing

Devendra Banhart

Fuck conscience!

Continuas a não perceber que não tens direito a pedir-me mais nada. Ou, se calhar, nem te dás conta que já não sobra nada... nem sequer a dignidade.

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar...
¡Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar! 

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
Que tú nunca mereciste...

He venido yo corriendo, olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar.

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego...

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar...

He venido al desierto pa irme de tu amor,
¡Que el desierto es más tierno y la espina besa mejor!
He venido a este centro de la nada pa gritar,
¡Que tú nunca mereciste lo que tanto quise dar!

He venido yo corriendo olvidándome de ti,
¡Dame un beso pajarillo, y no te asustes colibrí!
He venido encendida al desierto pa quemar,
Porque el alma prende fuego

Lhasa de Sela

Soon this space will be too small

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll go outside 
To the huge hillside 
Where the wild winds blow 
And the cold stars shine 
I’ll put my foot 
On the living road 
And be carried from here 
To the heart of the world 

I’ll be strong as a ship 
And wise as a whale 
And I’ll say the three words 
That will save us all 
And I’ll say the three words 
That will save us all 

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll laugh so hard 
That the walls cave in 

Then I’ll die three times 
And be born again 
In a little box 
With a golden key 
And a flying fish 
Will set me free 

Soon this space will be too small 
All my veins and bones 
Will be burned to dust 
You can throw me into 
A black iron pot 
And my dust will tell 
What my flesh would not 

Soon this space will be too small 
And I’ll go outside 
And I’ll go outside 
And I’ll go outside

Lhasa de Sela

And no one knows where the night is going...

"And all go stumbling through that house 

in lonely secrecy 

Saying "Do reveal yourself" 

or "Why has thou forsaken me?"

And no one knows where the night is going...

All at once the torches flare 

The inner door flies open 

One by one they enter there 

In every style of passion

(...)

Those who dance, begin to dance 

Those who weep begin 

Those who earnestly are lost 

Are lost and lost again

And no one knows where the night is going...

One by one the guests arrive 

The guests are coming through 

The broken-hearted many 

The open-hearted few

And no one knows where the night is going..."

Leonard Cohen

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l48aOXWKx4E]

(des)ilusões

Uma mão cheia de nada é tudo o que tens para mim. 

(Já nem sequer me consegues bastar.)

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9fwsiMRVeE]

When will I turn and cut the world?

"my eyes are coral, absorbing your dreams
my heart is a record of dangerous scenes
my skin is a surface to push to extremes

but when will I turn and cut the world?"

Antony Hegarty
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9a1C1qXHfM]

Rudy foolish

"Well, a foolish day is a foolish day
In a beautiful way
(...)
Well, a Rudy day is a Rudy day
In a beautiful way"

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMQbVW4_ce4]

Há entre nós demasiado ruído. Preciso de silêncio ou de uma melodia.

S.

Minudências

S.

A vida é assim: às vezes basta um minúsculo pormenor, uma minudência ínfima, para determinar efeitos devastadores.


Mário de Carvalho, Era bom que trocássemos umas ideias sobre o assunto

Shameful p.s.

(My fingers sting
Where I feel your fingers have been
Ghostly fingers
Moving my limbs

Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you
Oh God I miss you)

Unrecognizable

S.

"I tried to learn your language
But fell asleep half undressed
Unrecognizable to myself"

Polly Jean Harvey

Suits us...

"Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller organ. That's why all parents screw up all children. (...) Your parents made you screwed up by not screwing you up."

Dr. Gregory House

Note to self

"courage born of despair and impotence"
(I am just a coward)

Vic Chesnutt
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNJKL_6MwT0]

Ainda te tenho entranhado... nos músculos, nas veias, na pele. Sinto-te o sabor a cada recordação. Sinto-te o cheiro em cada pedacinho de sonho.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXLjPFqiWBs]

Talvez tu não saibas, Léah, o mérito, a graça, o poder da candura. Nesse instante foste o assombro vivo, inocentemente expresso. (Era eu que tinha a alma cheia de venenos).


José Rodrigues Miguéis, Léah e Outras Histórias 

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9txnHyxibY]

No passion, no fruit

Acima de tudo uma ausência de linguagem perceptível pelas partes.

S.

wait... just give me a minute to prepare

"You know how, like in cartoons, when the building gets hit by the wrecking ball, right before the building falls down, there's always like this moment where it's perfectly still right before it collapses? We're in that moment. The wrecking ball has already hit all of this, and this is just the moment before it all falls down."


The Future

Limp this love around

S.

"Promises, promises
I'm feeling burned
You taught me a lesson
I didn't want to learn

Why did I come here?
Please tell me again
Why did you ask me?
Don't say you forget

I long for, I long for
I long for my home
I long for a land where
No man was ever known


With no neurosis
No psychosis
No psychoanalysis
And no sadness

I'll pick up the pieces
I'll carry on somehow
Tape the broken parts together
And limp this love around

Limp this love around"

Polly Jean Harvey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVbzdQDNKkw

Show me the place for my head is bending low

S.

"Show me the place
Where you want your slave to go
Show me the place
I’ve forgotten, I don’t know
Show me the place
For my head is bending low
Show me the place
Where you want your slave to go

Show me the place
Help me roll away the stone
Show me the place
I can’t move this thing alone
Show me the place
Where the Word became a man
Show me the place
Where the suffering began


The troubles came
I saved what I could save
A thread of light
A particle a wave
But there were chains
So I hastened to behave
There were chains
So I loved you like a slave

Show me the place
Where you want your slave to go
Show me the place
I’ve forgotten, I don’t know"

Leonard Cohen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCtoVoE5Mm4

abro os olhos e estendo a mão e o corpo para fora do sono, ergo-me por dentro do imenso vazio.

tudo se despedaçou. o sonho, e o amor que é sempre tão breve (…) estou gasto. dei-me sempre mais do que podia. não há nada que me possam roubar, sou um homem espoliado de todos os bens, de todas as doenças, de todas as emoções. (…) sou um alfabeto e não sei se terei tempo para me decifrar.

Al Berto, O Medo (3)